Newley Purnell

A few weeks ago, Jill and I finished teaching and exited the school to get on our scooter and go home. I removed the lock from the back wheel with one key, unlocked and opened the seat compartment with the ignition key, and put the lock inside. Then I closed the seat. Just as it slammed–and locked–shut, I realized that’d I’d accidentally thrown the scooter’s ignition key inside the seat compartment. We were locked out of the scooter.

I removed my trusty Gerber Multi-Tool from my backpack and attempted, over the course of the next 10 minutes, to jimmy the lock. No dice. It wouldn’t budge. I was convinced that the only solution was to break the seat latch in order to retrieve the keys. I swore a lot. Sweat began to cascade off of my forehead.

Just then, our director walked outside the school and asked us what was wrong. We explained.

“No problem,” she said. “The father of one of our students is a locksmith. He lives nearby. I’ll call him.”

The man, a slight fellow in 40’s, arrived in about 5 minutes. He had his small toolcase stashed in a basket on the front of his scooter. It took him approximately 15 seconds to unlock the seat. We thanked him and paid him 100 NT (about 3 US dollars), and he left. We got on our scooter and headed home.

I agree with Zimran.

…Bill Wilson, who founded AA, asked for three shots of whiskey–and was denied.

…assesses the state of the world.

It’s been two months since we arrived in Taiwan. And I can say a grand total of four Mandarin Chinese phrases: “hello,” “goodbye,” “thank you,” and “to go” (as in take out food). One of my goals for our time here is to learn some Chinese. I have so far failed miserably. But I shall succeed.

In Ecuador, since we spoke Spanish, Jill and I took for granted the ability to communicate easily with Ecuadorians in their native tongue. I figured that here, even though Chinese is much harder to learn, I’d be bandying about phrases like “I’d like two cold beers, please,” inside of a couple of weeks. Ha.

I vastly underestimated how hard it is to pronounce the tones of Chinese words–even if you’re reading pinyin, which is an English approximation of Chinese characters. Of the foreigners I’ve met here, only those who’ve been studying Chinese dilligently for several years are anywhere near functional speakers. Peter Hessler, in his excellent memoir “River Town: Two Years on the Yangtze,” says Chinese is four times as hard for English speakers to learn as romance languages. I believe it.

Looking ahead, we’re hoping to begin Chinese classes soon. We’d been waiting until our schedules were more flexible and our finances were more settled. I’ll keep you posted….

Good God please help us. McDonald’s appears to have trademarked the phrase “I am Asian.”

…in one image: “Police on motorscooters attempt to pull over an ostrich who escaped from a children’s petting zoo, Sunday, May 9, 2004, in Taipei, Taiwan. The ostrich eluded capture. (AP Photo/Lin Sheng-fa)”

In the spirit of the exceptional “Kill Bill Vol. 1,” which I can’t believe I waited until last night to see, I give you Donald Rumsfeld’s Fighting Techniques. Hilarious.

Here’re some Weblogs I’ve come across recently; they’re all new to me and they’re all excellent. Check ’em out:

—Thomas Locke Hobbs’s photoblog;
—written road blog: “the inside scoop to jen leo’s travel publishing world”;
—Matthew J. Stinson: “Sober essays, caustic rants, and random jottings on politics, economics, current events, and life in general from an American expat living and teaching in Tianjin, China”;
—35togo: “an ongoing project to record and share the daily sights and sounds of the life I witness in Asia”;
—Scott Sommers’ Taiwan Weblog: “A forum for the discussion of scholarly opinions on issues related to language and language education with a particular emphasis on Taiwan and East Asia”;
—Taiwan Tiger, by a fellow Kaohsiung resident (don’t miss the Taiwan food gallery and the images of nighttime scooter riding);
—Belmont Club: views on the war in Iraq;
—LondonBlog (where I found this unbelievable photo of French goalkeeper Fabien Barthez);
—IdleThreats: by my pal Russell W.;
—PeterMaass.com; an acclaimed journalist’s thoughts on covering the Iraq war;

Also, here’re some Web sites and Weblogs I’ve been reading for a while; they’ve been especially great of late:

—The Black Table: entertaining writing all the time;
—CommonCraft: practical tips on Internet strategies for individuals and organizations;
—Winterspeak.com: thoughts on economics and technology;
–And, finally, a few well-known blogs that’ve been on fire recently: BoingBoing; Defective Yeti; Jason Kottke; and Anil Dash.

Last summer, when I returned to the US from Ecuador for a visit, several of my friends gave me an incredible homecoming gift: an apron signed by some of the best competitive eaters in the world, guys like Ed “Cookie” Jarvis, Eric “Badlands” Booker, and John “Crazy Legs” Conti.

Now Miles B. (via Susie) sends along this exciting news regarding one of the formidable men whose signatures I now hold close to my heart:

NEW YORK (Reuters) – To mark the premiere on Tuesday of a film about his life as a competitive eater, Crazy Legs Conti is trying to eat his way out of a telephone booth-size structure filled with popcorn.

Conti, 33, donned a diving mask and snorkel on Tuesday inside the lobby of the Manhattan movie theater that will show the film and lowered himself into a “popcorn sarcophagus,” a wooden, windowed structure, to begin munching.

A “popcorn sarcophagus.” I love it.