Newley Purnell's home on the web since 2001

Month: April 2004 (Page 1 of 2)

File Under: Closure

“I found my ex-wife’s wedding dress in the attic when I moved. She took the $4000 engagement ring but left the dress. I was actually going to have a dress burning party when the divorce became final, but my sister talked me out of it. She said, “That�s such a gorgeous dress. Some lucky girl would be glad to have it. You should sell it on EBay.”

Create Your Own Tom Friedman Column

Want to emultate everyone’s favorite New York Times columnist and globalization cheerleader? Well then here’s your guide.


The question from BBCNews:

What happened to Dungeons and Dragons? In the 1980s millions of teenagers world-wide would battle dragons armed with just dice, paper and pens. D&D became part of youth sub-culture but as the game celebrates its 30th birthday, is anyone still playing?”

The answer: Nope. They’re all writing Weblogs. (Just kidding.)

Best quote from the article: ” There is something in D&D that strikes a chord in many people; the call of adventure.” –D&D co-creator Gary Gygax.

Adventure? Adventure.

Sometimes a Banana Guard is Just a Banana Guard…

In reference to the Banana Guard, which I mentioned recently, Andi G. sends this amusing missive from Washington, DC:

The Banana Guard proves yet again that necessity is indeed the mother of invention. As much as I think I need one of these puppies–my bananas are always getting bruised and mangled–I have to say I wouldn’t be caught dead with one of those in public. I can see it now…

Picture the scene: crowded bus. Crazy Metrobus driver who comes to halting stops every two feet. Andi (as always) clumsily stumbles in the aisle, possibly stepping on a foot or two or knocking seated passengers in the head with one of her many bags. Her heavy, overloaded-with-magazines, overflowing-with-plastic-containers work bag falls. Out spills brightly colored phallic, freaky-parlor-sex-toy-looking thing. It clatters all the way down the aisle of the bus, everyone’s eyes following it until bounces off the fare machine, stops, shines in the sun for a moment and, with a click, snaps open.

Silence. Many heads nod. People peek out from behind their New York Times and Washington Post only to quickly duck back behind embarrassingly. Some coughs, some chuckles, some throat-clearing.

And then, Andi walks all the way up to the front of the bus, picks it up, hangs burning red hot face in unnecessary shame, and gets off the bus (it’s not even her stop!), never to ride the S2 (or S4) ever again.

I think I’ll stick to the Octodog.

Two Photo Galleries…

…worth checking out are:

1) These gory photos from Iraq presumably taken by a recenty-returned American soldier.

If our media were doing a better job of informing us–with hard-hitting photos like these–of the senseless violence that’s happening there, these images wouldn’t be nearly as shocking as they are. But hey, you can’t make a “war on terror” omelette without breaking some eggs, right? Gimme a break. I can’t believe my tax dollars are funding this lunacy.

2) On a lighter note, here’re some exceptional photos of crazy Japanese vending machines!

Kerry for Prez T-Shirt Contest

Submit your designs and find more info here. (Let’s just hope, for decency’s sake, that this guy doesn’t enter his slogan.)


…appears to be the place to go for ordering McDonald’s in-store promotional materials. How can I get signed up? I’d kill for a McGriddles poster.

“Have you ever considered that we might be insulted because you haven’t learned English?”

This and other crucial snippets for American tourists, such as “You’re very pretty for a foreigner” and “It’s better in the States,” can be found in The Zompist Phrasebook.

I Cannot Possibly Live Another Day Without…

…my very own Banana Guard. (No, really, it’s a guard for your banana. Seriously.)

On Writing

Joseph Epstein says:

I was recently asked what it takes to become a writer. Three things, I answered: first, one must cultivate incompetence at almost every other form of profitable work. This must be accompanied, second, by a haughty contempt for all the forms of work that one has established one cannot do. To these two must be joined, third, the nuttiness to believe that other people can be made to care about your opinions and views and be charmed by the way you state them. Incompetence, contempt, lunacy�once you have these in place, you are set to go.

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